Oh the M word….
The word people are apparently terrified of saying…
The word that so many people pretend doesn’t exist…
I can only talk on my experience with this as not everyone’s is the same. But, you may still resonate with the feelings and thoughts that I’m constantly plagued with.
Over the past 6 years I have developed both depression and anxiety,due to a really traumatic experience in my life.
I have gone weeks where I cried day after day, not wanting to be here, wondering what it would be like to end my life. I have taped my bedroom curtains to the wall so that they don’t blow up and allow anyone from outside to see me, I fear someone might be staring at me. 6 years later and my curtains are still taped to a wall. I have wondered my these things happen at all, not just to me, but to anyone. Why do I, or anyone at all have to feel like each day is a burden, draining the life out of me.
I have panic attacks where I sometimes end up throwing up because my body is reeling from whatever triggered it, and lots of things trigger it, dogs barking, having to mash brakes suddenly while driving, getting a phone call, hearing an unfamiliar sound while trying to fall asleep…and the list goes on and on. I’ve had panic attack last mere minutes, I’ve had panic attacks that lasted hours, but I can say that they all feel terrible. It always feels as though I am trapped, screaming to be let out, but still I’m stuck and I’ll never get out, that this is where I meet the end.
In all of this, I’ve taken the decision to not take any medication, I don’t want to feel like my life is dependent on it. For me, becoming self-aware was the biggest breakthrough I’ve had in identifying situations that made me behave in certain ways. For a long time I was angry all the time, I would lash out, I would scream and throw things, today I’m not angry, but I do feel often feel burdened by life itself.
I’ve tried desperately to implement self care, which for me is reading a book, talking to someone when I feel like giving up, going to the beach or anywhere outdoors where I can get fresh air, finding new hobbies (blogging is something I started when life had me at my worst), occasionally treating myself to a food I love, taking a nap when I really it, asking for help when I really need it and a few other things.
I know I didn’t share much, but for me its a start to being more open about my traumas and dealing with mental illness. And if you need to talk, if you need someone to listen, I’m always around because sometimes what we need most is each other. Maybe I’ll continue this post later, maybe I’ll stop here.. but I’m on the journey to getting better, to becoming myself again.
There is no shame in your story.
You are not alone.
You are loved.
You are strong.
(Featured Image is from equalityinstitute.org)